My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I just tested negative for patience.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.