I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
smh
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*