How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.