Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas