Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Beware of the dog..
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies