*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest