Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
You Might Also Like
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.