sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
This bar smells like my childhood.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I can’t be the only one 😂
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
this is literally a CIA plant
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.