Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
This is always good for a laugh.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
is this how new cars are made??
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Introverted vegans go meetless
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons