I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted