Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread