You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Doggies just call it style.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*