*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*