Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
sigh
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.