The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.