Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Peace was never an option
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
TODAY
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee