You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.