I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser