Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch