My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
handsome & gretel
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.