[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I did not eat the cake…
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend