EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.