I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia