The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
You can’t rush stupid.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone