i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Peace was never an option
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.