[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
This will never not be funny to me.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Damn he played himself
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
it must be school picture day
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home