Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot