I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe