You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.