Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.