Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me recordaron éste meme
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
That’s what I call a flat tire
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions