A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
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I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?