Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Favourite diary entry ever
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Put the is in disheveled
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.