Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
True statement👍😏😁
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Why is no one talking about this?!
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
🤣✨#caturday