her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed