Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
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[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.