It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My dating profile:
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
President The Rock Obama
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Holy moly
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”