interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.