i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.