People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.