“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing