This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.