My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
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Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
brian had himself a morning…
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
#ParentingFacts
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*