*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life