Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord