[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Social distancing in Australia:
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.