[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
You Might Also Like
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Planet of the Apps.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man