I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries