I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You Might Also Like
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I see your IQ test came back negative
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
time for some seasonal decor
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…