Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again